How can I do nothing?
I would love to do nothing all the time. Look at the trees. Look at the rocks. These things appear pretty lazy – or are they just in a constant creative state?
I’ve never considered myself a lazy person until recently. I worked hard for years and years at jobs I loved and I achieved what I consider to be great things. I played drums in bands, toured and worked hard at that. “So what’s your problem?” I heard myself say just then. None of it was really MINE, is the thing.
So at the moment I’m not really working at a job – lucky enough to pretty much be a kept man right now (that’s a whole other blog piece) – and so I have the opportunity to look a bit harder at what I want. To get creative, and I’m realising that creativity is the key for me to find what I want. I could classify myself as a ‘blocked creative’. Anyone else feel that way?
So, maybe it’s not so much about doing nothing but feeling like it’s nothing – like everything is exciting, instead of scary and triggering my ‘stuff’. That’s my goal at the moment. How do I do this? Some of it involves being in a state of analysis, I feel how I am in certain situations and how I am around people who appear to be doing what they want. I tease out my old ideals of resentment and bitterness and see how they’re the opposite of creativity. I think less – or at least I allow thoughts to stick – less. These kind of changes take time and commitment, and if you’re like me it may take many false starts and cynical breakdowns before you get to a point of seeing change.
And what is change?
Nothing. It’s nothing. It’s the space into which I wish to put something more valuable than judgement, sadness, loneliness, bitterness or worry. This hard fought for space feels so valuable that I will not clog it up with shit again. It’s like restoration or something. I notice the condition of a battered old staircase: the cracked wood, exposed nails, and general ricketiness (probably not an accepted word, but hey), and I do a complete overhaul. That doesn’t involve taking off the old wood and putting it back together again. It’s getting hold of the best manual on staircase building, finding some locally sourced oak wood, seasoning it, hand planing and sanding it and then building the staircase with as much care and consideration as I can. That way, every time I go up those stairs, I will feel like I am going somewhere amazing and every step is an inspiration. How’s that for an extended metaphor?! Well, it is Christmas.
I am learning to make space in my life for new things – to break through the clamour, the clutter, the complete possibility of not doing – but instead I create – something way better than I otherwise would have. And it does come from nothing.
Creating nothing takes effort for me, but when it happens things start to flow. Letting my life float by would be too easy and I would die full of regret. I could continue being lazy but I’m choosing its opposite and creating my own life. I might even become a tree or a rock or something, eventually.